The Girl in Dark Water


The dream “Nude Descending Stairs” demonstrated how full of myself I was feeling for having  dared to bare a “naked” truth. That same night I had a second dream depicting the other side of the tightrope. Prepare yourself. It’s kind of gross.
Dream #4252: Maggot Descending Nostrils
I pick something out of my right nostril. It’s small, whitish, and bean-shaped. I put it in the palm of my left hand to examine it. I move into the light to see it better. I’m appalled to see it has burrowed between two fingers. Oh, God. It is as I have always suspected. I have some sort of rotten infestation and the truth is finally coming out. I wonder if anyone else has seen one of these emerging from my nose. I wonder what it is. A maggot? I find two more and throw them away quickly. I am disgusted, but also resigned. It is what it is. I’ll just have to deal with it.
The day before this dream I noticed a small brown object on the floor that looked like a piece of tree bark someone had tracked in. On closer inspection, I saw it move. It was some sort of insect. Mildly repelled, I carried it outdoors and tossed it in the hedge. This was obviously the trigger for the dream image, but the dream wasn’t just a random replay of a waking event. There was meaning in it, and it was up to me to coax it out.
The first thing I think, both in the dream and when I remember it later, is, Ugh, I knew it. There’s something disgusting in me. Is Dream Mother saying I’m profoundly flawed? I don’t think so. She doesn’t want me to feel badly. She just wants me to see a feeling or assumption so deeply rooted and ever-present that I’m unaware of it; the way a fish doesn’t notice the unhealthy water it’s in because it’s never known anything else.
So I go back to the waking life event that triggered this dream: I picked up something, examined it, and found it repellant. In the dream I’m picking something out of my nose, examining it, and……Aha! This is what I do! I’m always picking at myself and feeling repelled by something that has come out of me: a critical thought, a careless word, a subtle bid for approval or sympathy. The dream doesn’t say I’m basically unworthy: it merely says I have always secretly suspected that I am, or else the Lone Ranger wouldn’t have shot me and Daddy wouldn’t have left me by divorcing Mama and then dying!
Moreover, there’s a pattern. This dream came immediately after the naked dream in which I felt gloriously free to be myself. But I barely had time to enjoy that before Wham! I started picking on myself and the wonderful feelings were replaced with self-disgust and sad resignation. I must have been doing the same thing in waking life without realizing it. In fact, yes, I was feeling a bit low the day before this dream.
There’s a wounded girl in me who’s been floating in dark water for a very long time. But the good news is, I am beginning to recognize her unhealthy attitude! And if I can stay conscious of it, the next time she shows up I can choose to  reassure her instead of letting her drag me down. I like it better when she and I are out in the open, naked and proud and breathing fresh, clean air.

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0 Responses

  1. Dear Jeanie,
    Oh, how I understand how you feel when you share your truth.
    “There’s a wounded girl in me who’s been floating in dark water for a very long time. But the good news is, I am beginning to recognize her unhealthy attitude! And if I can stay conscious of it, the next time she shows up I can choose to reassure her instead of letting her drag me down. I like it better when she and I are out in the open, naked and proud and breathing fresh, clean air.”
    I also loved your choice of pictures for this post. One of my favorite scenes in a movie is where there are three women holding another woman as she floats in a beautiful pond of water. It’s a vision of support and mutual understanding. I believe the women were swimming naked. This was not a pornographic scene, but one picturing the support of authenticity, mutual support and tender love.
    •What if the members of the naked chorus do not see each other’s nakedness
    •What if when are willing to stand naked – our individual expression of our soul/spirit then has the available “naked skin” clean and fresh to imprint our true acorn personality
    •What if that is how we find our place in the bigger scheme of things choreographed by God/Higher Intelligence
    •What if instead of seeing our “nakedness” we see the tattooed individuality of each person
    •What if we recognize our particular “tribe” (as Seth Godin describes it) with our soul tattoos
    •What if then our chorus of tattoos blend and harmonize together providing a larger picture of the message of our collective singing
    •What if this creates smaller tribes that contribute to the global collection of tribes, harmonizing and singing together – blending strengths, limitations, differences and “sameness”
    I am interested in screenwriting and a few years ago, I had the privilege of listening to the folks from PIXAR (Toy Story movies etc.). They are an example of a naked chorus of talented individuals (their company culture provides the structure and freedom to let their ideas, thoughts and feelings rip – to discover the gold).
    The other day I was listening to Michael Arndt (screenwriter for Toy Story 3) talk about the story development process for “Toy Story 3”. Michael won the academy award for his original screenplay (Little Miss Sunshine). He said that although the PIXAR folks gave him screen credit for scripting “Toy Story 3” in reality it was a group effort. He said that with the PIXAR brain trust (as they call all the people involved in creating the story) they were capable of creating a “cathedral”. He said that he knows he could not have written a screenplay as complicated and as good as “Toy Story 3”on his own and that “Toy Story 3” leaves” Little Miss Sunshine” in the shadows. He is now a firm believer in the power of community effort in building and creating something great.
    He also said that because the PIXAR environment was so open and nourishing he was able to let his profound inner critic go and let his ideas rip, because he trusted the nourishing environment and that the others would help him sort the weeds from the wheat.
    Each person at PIXAR brought their unique and authentic individuality and created something great together in this non-hierarchical atmosphere. I also heard that they suffer humiliation and success together – equally. I took that to mean that they were free to be, no matter what and they valued “naked authenticity” – everything was valuable, including warts and strengths.
    A real life example of individuation and love in action – Is this the wave of the future? I hope so. I see evidence in business with young people, in social media etc. PIXAR is living breathing proof of the value of a “naked chorus.”
    Thanks again for sharing your truth! Here’s to you Jeanie and all of us joining in the choir of truth and our creative discovery in that truth!
    Love, Sandy

    1. Sandy,
      What a beautiful vision you have of the naked chorus working together to hold each other up and sort the weeds from the wheat. I do hope what you’re describing is the wave of the future, and see evidence of it too. I enjoyed learning about how PIXAR operates. What a fabulous model. I know that many corporations have teams or “quality circles” in which the creativity, authority, humiliation and success are shared by all members.
      As I wrote in “Invoking Mother Justice” this is the Queen’s ethic of how to bring about lawful order and moral virtue: by caring for each other and sharing authority. It has worked in various places throughout history and can again, but I think it will only last if it goes hand in hand with full partnership, equality, freedom, and sovereignty for, and between, men and women.
      Thanks for the wonderful insights and kind words. It sounds like you’re on an exciting learning adventure with your screenwriting and I wish you the very best of luck with it.

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