Fred and I just started watching the critically acclaimed award-winning television series Mad Men. It’s about people who work at an advertising agency on New York’s Madison Avenue during the 1960’s. My 21-year-old granddaughter, a fan of all things quirky and edgy, thinks it’s the best show on television. I won’t try to dispute that, but so far it just makes me mad!
I grew up in the 1950’s and entered college in 1961, and all I can see in the first four episodes we’ve watched so far is the misogyny. It’s a picture-perfect depiction of the cultural climate in the U.S. during that era, particularly in the way men treated women and the way women responded. I find it so painful and offensive that, despite the quality of the acting, characterization, and script, I can barely watch it.
As a child I was confidant, trusting, open. Then when I was ten years old, an older girl told me about rape. I remember the moment clearly. It was summer. We were in the church camp pool, hanging onto the edge, kicking our feet in the cool water. My world changed in a moment. Trust morphed into fear and guardedness. Confidence turned inside out and became its opposite. Wary and self-conscious, I imagined rapists lurking in the surrounding woods of the Ocala National Forest. Peeping Toms outside my bedroom windows at night. Boys changed from being possible playmates and friends to potential, and occasionally real, tormenters.
Near the end of the 6th grade a boy I’d thought of as nice took me aside on the playground and whispered, “I wouldn’t hang around that friend of yours. I heard she . . .!” He pointed the index finger of his right hand through a circle he made with his left thumb and index finger then watched to see how I’d react. I walked away feeling I’d been exposed to something disgusting.
At the 7th grade dance at my new school, a boy I’d known and thought well of throughout elementary school asked me, “Can you really?” “Can I really what?” I asked. With a smirk, he said, “Bend a dick!” In that instant the dignified surname I’d been so proud of was a thing to be ashamed of. In class one day a boy asked me slyly, “Are you a good girl or a nice girl?” I had no idea how to answer. Confused, ashamed, feeling dirty somehow, I ignored him. Why were boys being like this to me? Had I done something to deserve it?
I was 15 and home alone one day when the phone rang and a man asked for my mother. I told him she was at work. He said, “Oh, you’ll do,” then told me in explicit lewd terms what he was going to do to me when he came over to my house. In panic, I raced across the street and found sanctuary with Inez, a young neighbor whose son was my age. A surrogate mother and confidante, she invited me to stay at her house until my mother got home that evening.
Another night, I got a phone call from a boy who disguised his voice and wouldn’t tell me who he was. A friend was with me doing homework. “Let me talk to him,” she whispered. Soon she was answering his questions in a sleazy coy voice that made me distinctly uncomfortable. When I tried to take the phone back to tell the caller he was talking to her, not me, she covered the mouthpiece tightly and hung up. A year or so later at a 10th grade dance, I was dancing with a boy from my biology class when a boy I’d known since grade school leaned over and whispered venomously in my ear, “Pig!” It was years before I learned he was the phantom caller who wouldn’t tell me his name and talked dirty to my friend, thinking he was talking to me. He’s a doctor today. I hope he grew up. If not, I pity his female patients.
Fred and I married in the mid-sixties. I needed a job while he attended graduate school so I interviewed for a third-grade teaching position at a small country school 20 miles from Tallahassee. I didn’t expect to be hired because so many young wives were applying for the few openings in the county. But the principal, a former high school football coach, hired me on the spot. When I told my husband, a former football player, he told me why I got the job. Because I was pretty and sweet.
Was I grateful? Of course. My salary of $3,200 a year was a fortune to us and enabled us to live in relative comfort until Fred earned his doctorate degree. Did I trust and admire my new boss? I did not! I thought he was unprofessional for caring more about my looks than my qualifications as a teacher. I avoided him at work and was relieved when he retired. He was replaced by an intelligent, highly qualified woman I admired.
This is how many boys and men treated girls and young women—no matter their innocence, intelligence, integrity or character—in my generation. Not all males, of course. But too many. We can shrug it off with, “Oh, boys will be boys. . . “, but nothing about misogyny is harmless. Ask any girl or woman who has experienced it. Like every form of discrimination and bullying, misogyny ultimately poisons all of us.
I know I’m luckier than most women. I’ve never been physically abused. But the attitudes of my culture toward females have wounded me since I was ten and I still find them difficult to forgive. How has misogyny influenced your life? What can we do about it?
To be continued . . .
Jean Raffa’s The Bridge to Wholeness and Dream Theatres of the Soul are at Amazon. Healing the Sacred Divide can be found at Amazon and Larson Publications, Inc. Jean’s new Nautilus Award-winning The Soul’s Twins, is at Amazon and Schiffer’s Red Feather Mind, Body, Spirit. Subscribe to her newsletter at www.jeanbenedictraffa.com.
21 Responses
It was hard for me to read your post this morning. I grew up in the same time period and experienced a lot of similar things. I worry for our children and our children’s children. There seems, even after all women’s rights changes since the 70’s, to be a lot of misogyny in our culture. The news of hatred towards women in other countries is unimaginable.
Dear Paula, thank you for reaching out despite your discomfort. It was hard for me to write this post too. It’s a difficult subject to address because of painful memories and feelings. But I’m learning that it’s healthier to address difficult issues than to ignore them. My inner work is teaching me that the longer I ignore my little dragons, the stronger they get and the more hopeless I feel. Facing them is bringing a return of life energy, creativity, and hope. I hope that discussing this openly with others will do the same for all of us. I’m so bothered by the hatred toward women I’m seeing in the news. And I so appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts with me here. Jeanie
Dear Jeanie, I must say, even though I’ve never watched the TV drama series ‘Mad Men’ before, your reaction here today has definitely sparked my curiosity! I concur, it’s a significant and impactful moment for a girl when she shifts from being innocent to being seen as a sexual object. Regrettably and all too commonly, this can happen overnight for numerous girls, long before they reach puberty. Subsequently, being banished from your own Garden of Eden / Paradise at such an early age, can indeed turn the world into a shadowy and horrifying place.
Like you, a Jungian and mythological student of the soul, I’ve also delved into the historical roots and societal impact of misogyny in order to examine it through a psychological and spiritual lens. I guess this is how ‘Mad Men’ succeeds in showing the hard realities of sexism in the 1960s while emphasising moments of feminist power and resilience. No wonder it angers and attracts a vast audience of millions, all attempting to find a way to balance the feminine and masculine within themselves rather than seeking external solutions (well, at least in my imagination!).
Alas, the poison of misogyny still lingers today, however, through the efforts of countless women and men, worldwide, (including ourselves!), slowly we’re educating our children (both genders) on the concepts of finding balance, mine through my “Animus/Anima Diet” and yours by bridging the gap and “Healing the Divide” between gender, soul, and society. Talk about finding one’s purpose! We’ll get there Jeanie, I truly believe we will and if we return again to live another mortal life … let’s find each other sooner! With much love, light and hope, Deborah
I love how you get right to the heart of things with your poetic sensibility, dear Deborah. Yes! Banished from my own Garden of Eden is the perfect metaphor for something I and too many little girls experience. And the resulting fear can be crippling in numerous subtle ways too.
Another “Yes” to the core of the issue: the attempt to balance the feminine and balance within ourselves. It too is a difficult, but totally related topic for many of us to understand or accept.
I’ve been so heartened by your courage and the courage of the women and men I read about who are addressing these issues openly and honestly. It’s certainly something that you and I have felt compelled to do: our purpose as you say. I realize not everyone appreciates our efforts, but as you and I have learned, we must each answer our own call if we are to find the meaning of our lives. Kris Kristofferson was a perfect example of this, and is someone who inspires me to use my own voice to heal my own issues.
A final “Yes” to finding each other sooner in our next mortal life!! Love, light, and hope, Jeanie
Jeannie,
A wonderful post! You may not be surprised at how many of us women, starting from when we were young girls identify with what you wrote. So many young girls and boys can look back and say they/we were naive and insecure at those ages, but as you mentioned in your post……. let’s hope those boys grew up by now.
Thank you, Fern. I appreciate you letting me know you identify with this. I hope you’ll let me know your thoughts on the coming posts I plan to publish about this. It helps so much to address it openly and know we’re not alone! Jeanie
Oh, my dear Jeane! You have suffered indeed, though not heavily, as it still lingers in your memory but not as a nightmare at night. I think the main problem lies in how parents raise their children. You see, it was not all boys there; your girlfriend also made a bad joke about you on the phone. Nevertheless, as far as our society is based upon men’s world, the boys remain like bloody idiots who never will get their intelligence grown up.
I have always respected women(maybe not all, but most), even in Iran, where society has never been as qualified as in Western countries. I don’t know why. Maybe because I lost my father when I was seven and was raised by my mother? However, I should admit that my father also greatly respected his wife, though I must confirm that he loved all beautiful women! In any case, I believe that getting rid of all these problems depends not only on a sound education system but also on good parenting by parents. Finally, I am thrilled to read and learn something new from you: blessing, dear, lovely Jeane.
PS: I think I would fall in love if I met you those days!😉😅🥰🤗💖
Dear Aladin, Hahaha, You are so dear and your honesty is so refreshing!! It’s men like you, my husband, my son, my son-in-law, and my grandsons who give me hope for the future of our world! And I totally agree with you about the answers lying in good parenting and education. Mothers and fathers, and then teachers, wield far more influence on the minds, opinions, and attitudes, of children than anyone or anything else. We may live in a toxic culture, but if we have kind and loving parents and mentors, there truly is hope for positive change. Blessings to you, Jeanie
Amen, my excellent and beautiful teacher. I also see hope for a brighter future with my son and his wife and their parenting of their children: love and peace.🤗🌹
Thank you, Jeanne. Like you, I remember many seemingly small incidents that still reverberate in my mind. There was an anger that I didn’t recognize and couldn’t express. I was fortunate that my parents did not hold the old stereotypes and encouraged me to be a full and independent person.
HI Susan,
Those small incidents pile up over time don’t they? Thank you for bringing up the topic of anger about misogyny. I think it’s a key element of this issue and I think it needs to be expressed and discussed. I had no idea I was angry either for many years. None of my friends talked about their own shame and humiliations at the hands of boys and I thought I was the only one they were happening to. So after my initial reactions, I shut down my emotions. I was an independent person too. I went my own way and ignored my feelings and was proud of myself for being able to do that. For a long time I was all about will power. I thought I was fine. I told myself I was strong and brave. And like you, I really was and am in many ways.
But not in every way. I didn’t know that deep inside me there was a well of shame and unworthiness that I was afraid to acknowledge. I only became aware of my anger during midlife. I kept trying my best to repress it because I thought anger was bad, but I wasn’t always successful. It kept sneaking out in little ways! until I finally saw it. Thankfully, my studies in Jungian psychology and my commitment to dreamwork have been helping me overcome my fear of strong emotions. And I’m deeply grateful for the return of enthusiasm, creativity and life energy I feel when I find the courage to face and accept the fact that I am truly worthy, no matter my feelings or flaws.
Dear Jean Raffa,
I am deeply saddened that misogyny even exists. It is by ignorance and immaturity on the part of men throughout history and across many cultures.
Evil comes forth when ignorance and immaturity are blended with greed, fear, and lust. My mother lost her job because she would not go to bed with her boss. Unconscious men mistake nurturing and service for slavery. Our society encultures us with the inferiority of women from an early age. Might is always right in their own eyes (male ego and pride). Their value is worth less than a man’s (nonsense). Men’s belief in entitlement blocks any meaning of a gift of love.
Until we men can see and accept women as equals with separate and different talents, conscious and unconscious, subtle and blatant misogyny will continue.
Women have every right to exist and to self-determination as men. If this is denied, we all lose. Internally, we are both male and female. Externally, we are one gender or the other.
Each man must respect and honor the life of every woman, including their mothers, wives, and daughters. Men need to self-examine their beliefs about women and their behaviors toward them. Men need to pause before speaking about and to women. Does what we do, think, or say demonstrate respect and hold women with dignity? We quickly, if ever, never seem to remember that we would not exist without women.
Love grows, hate destroys, and indifference leads to death. What shall we men choose?
Women must also embrace their value to live. They have accomplished many wonderful things, many of which are not noted on the world stage. Men and women need to see each other as equal partners in life. The absence of one or the other will precipitate failure.
Thank you for adding your thoughts to this discussion, Bill. As you say, misogyny has been such a pervasive part of our culture, and most cultures throughout history, that some people take it for granted to the point of not even noticing it, while others see it and assume there’s nothing that can be done about it. You mention self-examination. I agree, and would add the importance of working to know, understand and love ourselves. For me, the core task is to see and accept our self-hate and to learn to treat ourselves with love and respect. If we can do that, we’re better able to treat others, regardless of their differences from us, with love and respect too. Male and female are metaphors for every pair of opposites, including love and hate. If we can reconcile our inner opposites, reconciliation with others is the natural result. We can’t heal the world but we can work to heal ourselves. My best, Jeanie
I facilitate a men’s breakfast each week. I will bring this topic up with them. The leader of our faith to which I belong did not condemn a woman caught in adultery. When a woman wished to listen to the truth, instead of serving in the kitchen as women of her time did, she was not removed from the men’s gathering or commanded to leave. She was permitted to stay. Currently, at the national level, certain states controlled by white males are forbidding women from getting an abortion. They are playing god over women, and it is not their call. While I am always for life, it is not, nor should it be, my call nor any man’s unconscious and uniformed authority.
We are raised to value things outside ourselves, not what is within us. Thus, we have dual thinking. Reconciliation of opposites is not even on the table.
Most people do not even know what genuine love is. It is caring for the other without an expectation or an agenda. It is enduring suffering without retaliation or revenge. What we do not transform, we will transmit to others.
I took my marriage vows seriously and were not mere words perfunctorily said. I honor my wife and will honor all other women appropriately.
I willingly contribute to this effort with what I have and where I am and encourage others to do the same. I cannot change my past, but I can and will do things differently.
Dear Bill, You said it in a nutshell: “We are raised to value things outside ourselves, not what is within us. Thus, we have dual thinking. Reconciliation of opposites is not even on the table.” True reconciliation, acceptance, and love all begin with us, with healing our own wounds and forgiving our own mistakes.
Will power alone is not enough. We need to learn how to feel. That only begins with suffering and grieving our own loss of innocence, and learning to sympathize with and love that sweet, trusting child we once were before the outer world molded us into its distorted ideas of who we “should” be.
Blessings on your valuable contributions, Bill. Jeanie
The sharing of your personal experiences always makes your thought provoking points resonate on a very deep level. I’m so grateful for your vulnerability and adept writing skills! I can’t wait to read the next installment! 😊
Thank you so much, sweetheart. I know how much it means to me to hear other peoples’ stories. It makes it easier to accept things I fear or am embarrassed about, or don’t like about myself, when I hear that other people have experienced the same things and felt the same ways. It’s so much more meaningful. Also, I think I write personal stories to understand myself and to be understood. I love you so much, Mom 🙂
I so appreciate your post. I hear people say the ’50s were the good old day, yes for men, no for women. Of course it is still going on but there is a growing awareness. Just as horses are prey animals so were women in “the good old days” when we grew up. Thank you, Lynnea
Thank you Lynnea. “Just as horses are prey animals so were women in “the good old days” when we grew up.” You’ve got that right. And some women who remember those days still don’t want to hear it or talk about it. I understand. I think it’s a combination of shame, anger and pride that keeps us from discussing misogyny. But its shadow is still with us, and I believe it’s necessary for us to acknowledge and talk about it, painful as it is. It helps to hear how others have experienced it, comforting to know we’re not alone in being wounded by it. It also raises the consciousness of other women who may not yet have been able to identify the reasons for their own suffering and lack of self-esteem. I appreciate your response here. Jeanie
Thank you, Jeanie. I think we have to keep talking, especially to young girls. I had a few nasty experiences (a man opened his coat and exposed a naked erection in front of a church in my small town, but I ran home and told my dad and he called the police). The man was picked up and taken to a psychiatric hospital. I also wasn’t immune from lewd remarks about my new breasts at the swimming pool, but it made a big difference that I could talk to my mother and get honest answers and advice about what to do without a sense of shame. She was direct about sex education and but not direct about death education. I now realize my dad’s illness and death were harder for her to discuss than sex and misogyny. I was protected without being cloistered, but there was still a sense of danger after reaching puberty. Thank you for sharing your story because it helps me explore mine.
Thank you for your honest and helpful reply, Elaine. You’ve identified one valuable and practical solution to my question: “What can we do about it?” We can be forthright with our children about sex. If my mother had ever spoken one word to me about sex it would have given me the courage to talk to her about the things that happened to me. As it was, the subject was taboo in our house, and I suffered unnecessarily for it. For a practical nurse, she wasn’t terribly practical when it came to helping me grow up with less fear and more self-confidence.