How We Trick Ourselves

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I don’t have to look if I don’t want to!

For most of my adult life I saw my childhood as normal and happy. In most ways it was. Mama and Daddy were kind, well-intentioned, and hard-working. I was a curious, confident, sensitive child who felt secure in my parents’ love. But my ability to live by my own truths was severely challenged in my early years by circumstances beyond my control that culminated between the ages of ten and eleven. That’s when two traumatic events awakened me to some harsh and painful realities. Like every vulnerable child, I developed coping mechanisms for self-protection.

I’m a freshman at FSU, walking along a narrow brick road between two large classroom buildings. It’s my 19th birthday. I’m trying not to think about the fact that no one but my mother and Fred, my new boyfriend, and maybe Sylvia, my best friend from high school, will remember it’s my birthday. I might get a card in the mail from Mama today, and maybe a present, but she’s 200 miles away. My cousin Barbie from Albany, Georgia might possibly remember, but she’s not a letter writer. My roommate and the two girls across the hall are from my high school, and I like them all, but none of them knows when my birthday is. Nor do any of the girls in my sorority. No one but Fred will celebrate me today. At least I hope he will. Suddenly a tsunami of self-pity and loneliness washes through me.

It occurs to me that maybe I could sit down somewhere until it passes. It feels strange and a little daring to consider this. As a creature of self-control and self-discipline, I rarely vary my routine. But it’s a lovely spring day and there’s no one else here. Nor is there any reason I have to go back to my room right now.  Good. I don’t feel like talking to anyone.

But there are no benches. What should I do? Acutely self-conscious—will someone pass by and notice that I’m sad? What will they think?—I step into the shade of a nearby tree and lean against the trunk. Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me?  Am I depressed?

Whatever it is, I will not succumb. I’ll ignore it like a strong and stoic warrior. Like this tree. Like the tall and sturdy Cook pine I admired and wrote about for my high school creative writing class. I will not feel sorry for myself. Self-pity is unworthy of me.

And so, proud of my strength and will-power, I curbed my emotions and ignored my feelings and needs, just as I’d been doing since my eleventh year on Earth, and just as I still occasionally do. I thought I was being strong and brave, but I was wrong. I didn’t know it, but I was just fooling myself.

Over 60 years later, it’s clear to me what my problem was. I didn’t know myself. I didn’t want to know myself. I was afraid of my conscious feelings and my raw, unconscious instincts and emotions. I believed there must be something wrong with me. And beneath that belief and those fears was the deepest fear of all: that I was unworthy of life and love.

I may never know exactly why I’ve felt that way for as long as I remember. It’s probably just a combination of factors—some inherited, some experienced, some learned, some psychologically interpreted in my own way—that met in me to make me the way I am. But what I do know is that as a result, I wove a safety blanket of being good and pleasing others and wrapped it tight around myself and Little Jeanie, my original, authentic, vulnerable child within. I shut her away in a cavern so deep, behind walls so high, that she’d never have anything to fear from anyone or anything again.

Now I want her back. I need her back. I want my voice back. I want to travel this final leg of my journey her way, my own true way: with vulnerability, openness, integrity, curiosity, and enthusiasm. I believe that if I can reconnect with Little Jeanie, relive her experiences and re-feel the emotions I tried to rise above for so long, together we can inherit our true home, the Sacred Self within: our birthright of wholeness and love.

The Self has always known who I am and what I was meant to do with my life, just as it knows every soul. It’s been calling me to my destiny since I was a child but it took me a long time to understand its messages. This simple experience on my 19th birthday was another message, a subtle but pivotal crossroad that would set me on a new path.

It’s the day I  discovered an inner darkness of insecurity, loneliness, hurt and self-pity I’d never noticed before. The day I chose to repress painful emotions. These were such simple, subtle awarenesses, so easy to forget, but they were crucial to my growth and portents of the journey I was destined to take through life.

Paper and E-book versions of The Bridge to Wholeness and Dream Theatres of the Soul are at Amazon. The Wilbur Award-winning Healing the Sacred Divide can be found at Amazon and Larson Publications.com. Jean’s new Nautilus Award-winning The Soul’s Twins, is at Amazon and Schiffer’s Red Feather Mind, Body, Spirit. Subscribe to her newsletter at www.jeanbenedictraffa.com.

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Comments

9 Responses

  1. Dear Jeanie,

    Before I dive in, I just want to say that I’ve been thinking of you often and truly hope your healing journey since your heart surgery earlier this year is going well.

    Through my Jungian lens – or should I say our Jungian lens – your reflections speak beautifully to Jung’s concept of individuation. For the journey you’re describing – from repression to self-acceptance – mirrors the descent into the archetypal shadow, those wounded parts we must all face in order to achieve wholeness.

    The ‘Little Jeanie’ who you so long to reconnect with embodies authenticity, much like Jung’s Inner Child or ‘Divine Child’ archetype – a figure of potential, renewal and deep truth. By seeking her now, you’re engaging in the sacred work of reclaiming the ‘Divine Self’, embracing those lost parts of your psyche once denied for survival.

    Your realisation at nineteen wasn’t just sadness but such a pivotal confrontation, I intuit, with the unconscious – an insightful glimpse into the conflict between societal expectations and your true nature.

    As we both know, Jung believed the Self calls us toward integration throughout our lives, even when we resist. Your willingness now to honour this inner calling, to embrace your vulnerability and authenticity, is such a profound act of inner healing – a return to wholeness and love. This is deep soul work, my dear friend. Deep.

    Thank you so much for sharing this post about yourself; it’s a testament to the strength found in self-discovery and the courage to meet oneself with openness and love. I look forward to hearing more in the weeks and months ahead. Wishing you all the best on this beautiful deeply healing journey.

    Love and light,

    Your poet friend, Deborah

    1. Dear Deborah,

      First of all, I want you to know that four months after my open heart surgery I’m feeling wonderful. I go to cardiac rehab sessions three days a week and love it! I actually feel stronger and much more energetic than before. What a gift this has been.

      Also, I’m loving the new direction your writing is taking on your new platform, Substack. I was bowled over by your latest piece on your pre-birth memories. It’s extremely heartening to know that it’s a very real thing. And especially reassuring to ponder things like this during our Cronehood when thoughts naturally gravitate toward “what lies beyond.” I’m also enjoying Chronology immensely, and look forward to posting a review on your website soon. I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner, but as you can imagine, this has been a very busy time!

      Thank you for your astute and spot-on assessment of this post. I agree with everything you’ve said. I’m working on a new book that was originally called Little Jeanie, and this piece is from that. The book is morphing into a compilation of some of my favorite posts from Matrignosis in the form of a memoir, a legacy to my children and grandchildren. The inspiration and motivation to write this is the result not only of a few years of learning how to navigate this phase of life, but also from the wake-up call of my heart surgery. I’ve received many calls from “beyond” in this life and revisiting them and making sense of them is deeply rewarding.

      I hadn’t thought of Little Jeanie as a version of the Divine Child archetype who represents authenticity, but, of course! And your intuition was exactly right: the internal conflict I’ve felt for most of my life between meeting the expectations of the collective and following my own truths has been the core theme of my life.

      It’s so very lovely to have sister and brother friends like you and Aladin to commune with on this journey. Thank you for being a light in my life.

      Love and light back at you, dear friend,

      Jeanie

  2. Dear Jeanie, I am so glad to see and read your words here. As I read your memory and the self-child analysis, I noticed that I do it constantly. I remember the scenes I have confronted, whether dark or bright, and I immerse myself deeply in them.
    As I understand correctly, with this review, we can meet our elderly hidden acknowledgement to encounter the Self to, calculate those moments of desperation, and consider them for analysis.
    However, remembering is essential because it helps us understand ourselves better.
    Thank you very much for this excellent new lesson, and I hope you have fully recovered and are feeling much better now.
    Sincerely yours, Aladin. 💖🌹🙏🤗💕

    1. Dear Aladin,

      It’s so good to hear from you. I hope you’re recovering well from your recent health issues with excellent and attentive treatment from your doctors, family, and friends.

      I totally agree with you about how essential remembering is. I’ve just finished an excellent book by the philosopher and theologian Abraham Joshua Heschel about this very thing. Here’s what he writes: “Jews have not preserved the ancient monuments, they have retained the ancient moments. The light kindled in their history was never extinguished. With sustaining vitality the past survives in their thoughts, hearts, rituals. Recollection is a holy act: we sanctify the present ivy remembering the past.”

      It would seem that you and I are currently absorbed in the same holy act. It’s so good to have dear, like-minded companions to commune with during this stage of our lives. Thank you for being my friend.

      Love and blessings, Jeanie

      1. How true! Abraham Joshua Heschel’s description of preserving memories is excellent. Thank you so much, and I’m glad to hear that you are feeling well. I am also working on my recovery. I had my surgery and am now free of the catheters, but my blood levels are still a bit unstable, and my CRP is too high. I believe this is due to the three catheters I had for four months.
        I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for your amazing friendship, dear Jeanie. Your support and kindness mean the world to me, and I truly cherish our bond.🙏❤️

  3. So do I, Aladin. I’m glad you have the worst of it behind you now. My best wishes for a full and speedy recovery. Jeanie

  4. I see my comment didn’t go through Jeannie. I’ve forgotten what I said. It was pre surgery yesterday. All went well, a hiccup or 3.
    I look back at my childhood, being a young adult and so on, and give deep thanks for the ever widening lens of my attitude to life.
    I’m glad you’re getting better all the time. May it continue so. Love, susan

    1. No, it didn’t. So glad to hear your surgery went well. I’m afraid I don’t know what it was for. Whatever it is, may you experience a full and speedy recovery. How interesting that we’ve both been thinking and writing a lot about our childhood and journeys through life’s phases. I’m enjoying seeing so many connections between who I was then and the crossroads experiences and choices I made that brought me to where I am now. I suspect that the tendency toward reflecting on our pasts comes with age. Perhaps also with satisfying outcomes that bring pleasure, especially our children and grandchildren. I don’t look to my future very much now, but I do enjoy thinking about theirs, and want very much to leave them a healthy and perhaps even inspiring legacy. Much love to you, Jeanie

  5. I was compelled by dreams to begin my conscious journey to authentic self in 2010. Thanks for helping me on my journey.

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